just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
