he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
