Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
