i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
