Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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