I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
