20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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