After last night, I could never be a politician.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
