when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
