i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
