It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
