I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He kissed a someone with a penis
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
