new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
