I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I look better un-naked...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
