hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize