Betty ford says i'm here all night
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I need to align my fucking chakras
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