Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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