What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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