I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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