you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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