he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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