I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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