Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Duck Duck Cougar?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
