i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
