I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
