why do cheetos always look like penises
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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