When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
