Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
