it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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