Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just had sex bonerless
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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