yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
