I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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