last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Randomize
