I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
