My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
