It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
