I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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