I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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