My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
