Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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