He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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