I'm eating all of the evidence.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
