i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
