I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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