Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
