you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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