I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize