birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
