woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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