He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
