oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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