put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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