in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
