ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize