How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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