so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
