ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
