you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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