I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
