Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
