Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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