sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
