Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize